A fathers love 2

I was on the park sitting on a bench when i saw this man guiding his Dad to walk. When suddenly i rememember my Dad back then. Here how it goes.It was Saturday mid night(January 8, 2005). We were all sleep in the middle of the night. Then, my Tatay passed away by saying nothing, nothing at all.  I was sleeping back then inside my room . Suddenly, a noise woke me up at almost 2am — a distress cry from my Nanay and ate. Tatay couldn’t breath my sister said. At the house Tatay was struggling from death.

My sister told me before he died she was holding his hand and as for the very last breath, he open his eyes before he let go his last gasp of breath. Unfortunately, I was upstairs praying for what will happen next. My relatives were all around him, helping him to calm. And my ate, as the eldest, was comforting my mother at the couch near the bed where my father lie. I walked in and out of my room… worried,very worried but remained tough as no tears were shed yet. Then Tatay calmed down unnaturally. It’s like something happened to him that we didn’t know. And my mother whispered, “Wala na?” trying to remain tough for us. I don’t know what to answer. I just said to myself “LORD kayo na po ang bahala sa kanya”.. 

It was not yet the end. Honestly, the doctor decided ask to put Tatay in the better hospital which has better facilities just to extend his life; for better care. But me and my sister decided not to; practically speaking to avoid a lot of expenses just to know in the end we will also lose him. When the doctor went out to tell us what he was find all about, as if we didn’t know, the tears we’ve been holding on started to fall. We will lost Tatay.

I could never ever describe how sad and painful it was for me to lose him that day. I was so hopeful. I was not ready. I never told him how much “I love him” and how much I care. And now I won’t be able to… but I know that he knows that. 

I feel guilty for not taking care of my father  regularly. I feel guilty for not spending even a couple of minutes to hear his voice and to tell him how much I love him. I love my tatay, I really do. I just didn’t give much time in showing him the extent of my love. If only I could retrace my steps, I would have done everything to make him feel that I love him, and that he is always in my prayers.

The pain hasn’t really sinked in. I’ve cried a lot but the tears would not change the fact that he is forever gone from us.

He had a smile on his face(that’s all i know). He died peacefully. And yet everytime I try to look at his picture, I begin to cry again. I dont know why. Maybe I just cant accept the fact that he is already is gone. Or maybe its just guilt. I’m guilty for the fact that I wasn’t as good like my sister. That I wasn’t there to help him ease the pain. That he could be the one paying for my sins.

Honestly,I’ve been questioning God. I’ve been asking Him all the Why’s. Why tatay? Why now? Why so soon?. I feel sad because I could not find the answers to my questions. That I could not think for the answer, or flip my brain to give me reasons not to doubt God decisions. But God only knows the answer to our sorrows.

But, I thank God for lending tatay to us, even for a short period of time. I thank Him for giving Him the voice we will remember forever. I thank Him to easing my father’s pain and welcoming Him into His arms. My father suffered. I’m glad its over… he can no longer feel the hurt. I’m glad God didn’t make him suffer so long. He has healed my tatay’s soul. And I thank Him for blessing me with a father who has made everybody happy every minute of his life. His love and his pure heart has touch our whole family and will always remain with us, even when his body has left this earth.

I’m gonna miss him… with all my heart, I’m gonna miss him. 

I want to succeed – it was Tatay’s only dream. I remember in his burial, a man told me how proud my Tatay was ,  being a Makati Science student,to enter in college and a smart one. I don’t know how to react then, but a tear fell. And I remember how proud he was telling his friends and kumpares “Yang anak kong yan!! Honor ata yan mula grade one hanggang grade six first honor yan, yan ang magaahon sa kin sa kahirapan”. But now, he’s gone. I could never give him the life he wished for, but I  wish i will fulfill his dream. No matter what, I will…

We love you Tatay. 


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